Today

Just as sort of a preface this is a purely reflective blog today so if you're looking for enlightening words you may have come to the wrong place but if you kinda wanna hear what I'm thinking about where I'm at then enjoy!

I have no idea where the time has gone. This summer has gone by quick and this year has gone by quick. I've spent the whole time being anxious for my future to get here so I could get started with college. I enjoyed my senior year but I don't think I enjoyed it to the fullest.

I have a tendency to not live in the present. Either I'm daydreaming about something I did before or thinking about what is yet to come, my mind is not usually engaged fully in the here and now. I wish it wasn't so and I keep trying to engage myself in the present but it's tough when there is so much ahead of me to look forward to and so much to do.

Today was a day, however, that I lived in the present. I enjoyed it completely. It was perhaps the last time for a while that I was able to hang out with my best friend. Sure we'll hang out on breaks and stuff but things will never be the same as they have been over the past few years. There was a bit of silence in the drive back to my house and it finally hit me that my time as a kid is over. I have called 3 places home in my whole life and this place has truly been home to me more than the others. I've never been one to get emotional over stuff like this but I know that I am in for a complete change and it's here now. I am prepared to take it on but I know that when I move in on Aug. 12 my life will profoundly change. It's not just a scenery change like some other colleges are, this is a complete lifestyle change. I'm not gonna lie I am a little scared.

Now, don't get me wrong I'm super excited and extremely happy with the decision that I made to go to Valley Forge and the Naval Academy, and I'm extremely excited to get the next chapter in my life going but saying goodbye to my childhood is kind of... sad. For 18 years I've lived with my family and for 6 weeks I won't be able to speak to them. I will change. I will grow up and I'm ready to but for right now I want to keep focusing on today, as hard as that is for me to do, because these are the last days of my childhood and I need to enjoy them and I will!

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

I just saw a great movie today called Invictus. As I was watching it, I had to constantly remind myself that it was a real story and not some made up Hollywood "feel good" thing. It was so perfect how they won the world cup and united the country.

My sister has been reading up a lot on Nelson Mandela throughout the past few weeks and I've been hearing second hand from her about what an amazing man this is. He is a prime example of what a person should be. He rose above an insurmountable amount of adversity and brought together a country that was absolutely torn apart. He is a leader. He is the leader that I want to be.

Last year during my blue and gold officer interview for the Naval Academy, I was asked who my role models were and why. I prepared so much for the interview but for some reason I didn't even consider this as a question to prepare anything before hand, stupid I know. Well I said Barack Obama, Martin Luther King, and Franklin Roosevelt. Now what I find interesting with those three is that they all were great leaders and knew how to unite people towards a brighter future, they were all so humble and down to earth. The one thing that they all have in common is that they have had tremendous setbacks in their life that I can't even fathom. Roosevelt with paralysis and for Martin Luther King and Barack Obama they faced the cruelest of discrimination. I just wonder how someone can face fear and overcome it stronger than ever, inspiring others. It's amazing to see how hardships can have a polarizing effect on a person. Some take pain the exact opposite way and give up but these men persevered.

I know I'm sort of rambling but I was just thinking how if I were asked that question again today Nelson Mandela would be atop that list. He inspires me and I have never even met him. He inspires billions around the world to be better just by his example and presence. That is what a role model and leader does.

What does a leader do to inspire others? He perseveres through the toughest of days and puts others before himself and in doing so he unites the masses and lets them be the master of their own fate and the captain of their own soul. I was reading a book the other day that said a true leader is one that empowers others to fulfill their own potential and do the task on their own. That is what Mandela did with that rugby team. He didn't do it for them but he did inspire them to greatness.

Mr. Mandela happy belated birthday. You inspire me to be all that I can be and I hope to one day have an impact on people in the way that you have had an impact on me.

This Summer

Well it's been awhile since I've written a post and it's because I really never know what to say. My summer has been pretty boring. I feel like I'm not being very productive but I don't really have anything to do. I've been doing a lot of working out because I have to be a frickin iron man for this soccer team at vf. Golf has actually become one of my main hobbies this summer too. I love the peacefulness of the course it really mellows me out. I got a camera for my birthday and I gotta say it might be my favorite present ever. I really love taking photos. I've never had a good camera before but I've always been one to say what a good picture something would be and now I can actually take the pictures!!! I love it. (by the way I posted a couple of my pictures). I'm a little nervous for school. I've heard that the plebe summer is pretty darn hard. I can't talk to anybody for 6 weeks after I report so that'll be interesting. I find myself being very antisocial lately. I don't really know why... maybe it's like a separation thing before college... I don't know. I have heard for a while that this would be the greatest summer of my life, no commitments and all fun. Well it hasn't necessarily been that great. Beachweek was a waste. I have never been one to not be able to tolerate drinking but it was disgusting down there and people that I cared about were getting taken advantage of and hurting themselves and it was sad to watch. I can only hope that it won't be like that for them at college because it can really hurt them. Stuff like that makes me happy that I'm going to the Naval Academy because I won't have to deal with any of that stuff. So anyway that happened. I came home early to get away from it and then I went with my family to Charleston. It was pretty fun nothing too crazy just a pretty relaxed week. I found myself getting a little irritable though. I think sometimes I get a little to caught up with my own problems that I get pretty selfish with my own mindset. Well I had that selfish mindset that whole week and I was a party pooper. Whatever I'm sorry family and egey if i pissed you guys off a little bit. Since then its been just a routine of work, lifetime, golf, pictures... every single day the same thing. Whatever it's the calm before the storm I guess and I'm trying to appreciate the slowness. It's just one of those things where I want what I don't have cause I guarantee I'll want this back in about 3 weeks when I'm gettin my butt kicked. Oh well. Despite what it may seem from what I've written, I'm very happy with my life and I'm proud of where I'm at. If I would have been told a year ago that'd I'd be where I am today I would have been ecstatic. Life is good and I'm happy.

EGO

There's this movie called The Shift which is probably one of the most influential movies I've ever seen. It's about finding your purpose in life and finding a way to align yourself with what you want. The man who is behind the ideas is Dr. Wayne Dyer. He says that we should let ourselves go and trust in God. He says this analogy that I thought was just amazing: During our first nine months of life from conception to birth we didn't control anything and we weren't able to. Everything was taken care of for us because we didn't interfere. During these nine months we were given everything we would ever physically need to live a long and healthy life. Everything was perfect because we didn't have our ego step in and mess things up.

He makes an acronym out of the word ego: Edge God Out.

Isn't that so true. It is us against the world right? I know that's how I have felt for my whole life, and still to a certain extent feel. I have to do what I have to do to survive. And that's instinct right? Survival of the fittest? That's what I've been thinking for my whole life. Well here's an idea: Trust. How many people do you 100% trust in? I know it may sound bad but I think I can only count that on one hand. People will let you down. Things will let you down. That's a fact. One person who won't let you down is God. For those who don't believe me, I understand, but let me say that if you feel God has let you down then that means you probably trusted in your ego instead of him.

It is said that you can get whatever you want in the world if you just leave things up to God. When I first heard this it was a little confusing to me because I took it as me not doing anything or simply just being lazy and things will fall into place. Now it's a hard concept for me to wrap my head around. I feel like it's up to me to make myself successful and it's up to me to get what I want. This is wrong. I learned through reading a book by Dr. Dyer that maybe what I want isn't what God wants for me and furthermore it isn't what is best for me. It may be hard to see how a million dollars could hurt you or how a seemingly perfect job could help you become better but that is your ego. Think about something that you wanted really, really badly for a long time. Now when you got it you found that it really wasn't what you wanted. This is the illusion of the ego and it is something that you must overcome if you truly want to be happy. I've found that if you allow things to happen, then what's best for you will happen.

There is a difference between being successful and wanting to be successful. It is a state of mind. Anyone can achieve a state of peace but people don't allow themselves that luxury. They are materially motivated (me included), they are extrinsically motivated on things that in the long run don't really matter all that much. My friend Egey told me a very straightforward statement the other day saying, "When we die our earthly possessions will fade away and be forgotten but what will always endure is our everlasting impact on those around us." I like to think that there is a place we go when we die. When you get there you won't have the egotistical things that fulfilled you on earth. You will be left with those souls that you touched positively and negatively and that will be your legacy and that will last for eternity.

I like to think about the analogy of the storm. First of all there is never a never ending storm. A storm may cause immediate damage but there is always a reason for the pain and suffering that accompany the storm. A storm renews life. Without it's rain there would be no life. Our troubles are like the storms of life. There will always be an end to them and when they are done the sun will shine brighter than ever before and our lives will be renewed.

So bottom line is trust God not your ego because all you're ego can see is the here and now and that is temporary. God is everlasting and his plan for you is absolutely perfect even though it may not seem like it at the time. Just think about the storm.

The Most Important Day of My Life

I think today may have been one of the most important days of my life. I cried at church for the first time ever. I know it may sound stupid but I felt peace in my sorrow. I have been lost for so long that I didn't know which way to go. I have had doubts and questions but I just felt stupid and that when the time is right everything would be presented to me in the most perfect way, or so that's what people always said.

For my whole life I have been a catholic. I have never had a problem with the religion and I don't necessarily have one now its just that I came to the realization today that that way isn't the only way, and it may not be the right way for me. This is an idea that I never even considered before tonight.

Now probably what I'm most nervous about is talking to my family and priest about this because they have found that this way of Catholicism has worked for them, but it hasn't worked for me. I go through the motions at Sunday mass not because I don't love God but for a reason that I don't even know how to explain, but when I looked at that cross tonight and nailed my sins down I felt more free than I ever have coming out of confession. I felt like I was at peace with God, and that is something that I have never legitimately felt before.

So my current predicament is this... I need to tell my parents how I feel. Religion is a family thing in my house. We go as a family every Sunday and holiday and we worship as a family. I don't know whether to keep going to Catholic church on Sundays and my other church on Fridays or if I should do a complete switch. I suppose that's something that I'll have to pray on.

I know that what I have experienced today was a real feeling of faith, a realization that what I have heard over all of these years is real and it is real to me personally. My faith has faltered over the years but on this night it glows brighter than it ever has before and it is not because of how many rosaries I said or how many Acts of Contrition I recited, but it was my one on one relationship with Jesus that made me understand why I should strive to be a better person and steer away from sin. It was the relationship that made me want more church and more prayer. It's a feeling that people try to explain but always end up saying it's just a personal realization that hits everyone at different times.

My time is now.

A New Day

"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

First of all let me say that I have never really done anything like this before. To be honest I have always thought that this sort of thing was kinda cheesy but after to talking to a friend I realized that it might be something worth trying out.

A new beginning is a blessing that cannot be underestimated. I have moved twice and both times I have felt invigorated with the idea that I can start over. Too often I feel that people, including me, get away from who they really are. You know what I mean. It just sort of happens over time. I'd like to think that most people think about who they have become and are happy about what they see. Actually that's part of the reason I'm doing this blog. To figure out who I have become. I know that there are some things that I am not proud of and there are things I wish I could undo but the fact is that i can't, I can only let them grow me as a person.

Alright enough of the somber mood... What a great world it is. I was just thinking today of how big it is and how much I want to see ALL of it! All of the different landmarks and cultures and beauty. It would just be awesome to see it all and it's so crazy that its all there. To think that there is so much more than us and what we experience is a cool thought to me. I mean as I write this, there are a billion different things happening outside of me. it really makes you feel kinda small, but I kinda like it...

A little bit about me for those who read this and do not know me is this: I'm originally from Connecticut I lived there for my first 10 years and then I moved to Stafford, VA and then I moved here when I was in 7th grade. I have been pretty blessed in my life. I have great friends and a great and supportive family. I have a nice house and a nice life. It's actually kind of stupid that I allow myself to forget how blessed I am sometimes and focus on what I don't have. I am going to a prep school next year for the Naval Academy and then the Naval Academy itself the year after. It's something that I have always considered but didn't get really serious about until my junior year in high school. It's weird, I wanted to be a Navy pilot when I was 5 years old and it turns out that I came full circle and now want to make it my career. I also think it would be cool if I could be an astronaut one day; I know how far off that is but it is my dream to go to space. I'm sort of smart although I could probably be a lot better in school if I just applied myself more. I play soccer all the time. It's the one sport that I have stuck with throughout my life. I used to be sick at baseball but I stopped because I lost interest in it. I enjoy running and tennis and golf. I don't like to read much but I'm starting to appreciate it more and more. My favorite place in the world is the beach. I want a beach house in New England some day. I want success and happiness in my life. I'm a pretty goofy kid. I joke around all the time. I have found that I can't take anything to seriously because where's the fun in that?:p My life isn't complicated like a lot of people's are. I don't like drama. My number one priority right now is figuring out who I am and how I can do my part to contribute to the world in some way... easier said than done! I am returning to my Catholic faith more and more every day. For a while I turned off my faith and ignored my religion and relationship with God and I have realized what a mistake that was. My life isn't perfect and it doesn't suck I love who I am and I love where I'm at and that is something that I'm proud of.

So anyway this was a long post and there were a lot of random things thrown around but I just sorta wanted to let anyone who reads this know who I am. I hope that this blog will help me to continue to grow as a person and to continue to discover who I am. I hope that others who read this can help me with that and that maybe in someway my words will help you and your life. I'm not gonna just talk about myself like this every time I write, I just want to offer my views on life to everyone who wants to hear it. The one message I have for everyone from this post is to appreciate EVERYTHING. We are all blessed and it is up to us to appreciate what we have and what we can do. At the very least appreciate the beauty of the world and the people in it. Don't underestimate yourself because God doesn't and everyone is meant to do something great. So thanks for reading and lemme know what you think about what I have to say... don't be shy!